Intro

[00:08.73] This is Bo Burnham
[00:12.03] He is 22 years old
[00:15.25] He's a male
[00:17.55] And he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having sex with Ellen DeGeneres
[00:24.71] He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples
[00:29.47] He's isolated himself, over the last five years, in the pursuit of comedy
[00:35.18] And in doing so
[00:37.46] Has lost touch with reality
[00:42.40] You're an asshole, Bo
[00:45.57] You hear me?
[00:48.66] You think you know better than me
[00:51.69] You think you know better than everybody
[00:55.35] You will die alone
[00:58.23] And you will deserve it
[01:01.13] But in the meantime
[01:02.38] You might as well tell those silly jokes of yours
[01:07.38] See if that helps!
[01:10.24] Bo-bo-bo-bo
[01:11.87] Bo-bo-bo-bo
[01:13.36] Bo-bo-bo-bo
[01:14.65] Bo-bo-bo-bo
[01:16.21] Bo (Bo-bo-bo-bo)
[01:17.56] Bo (Bo-bo-bo-bo)
[01:18.72] Bo (Bo-bo-bo-bo)
[01:20.67] Bo (Bo-bo-bo-bo)
[01:21.53] You used to do comedy when you felt like being funny
[01:27.88] But now you're contractually obligated
[01:30.91] So dance you fucking monkey!
[01:35.15] Dance Monkey Dance!
[01:36.63] Welcome to the show
[01:37.91] This is Bo
[01:38.87] This is his show
[01:39.96] And Bo likes to dance like this
[01:43.06] Welcome to the show
[01:44.02] This is Bo
[01:44.77] This is his show
[01:45.62] And Bo takes off his pants like this
[01:48.89] Play an invisible drum
[01:51.73] Play an invisible trumpet (trumpet sound!)
[01:54.73] Drink some invisible water
[01:57.37] Oh shit! That water is real!
[02:00.89] Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
[02:03.80] Bo wants to make you feel comfortable (Random voice!)
[02:06.62] Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
[02:09.72] So sit back, relax, and enjoy
[02:12.13] A healthy dose of...
[02:12.81] Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact!)
[02:15.79] Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact!)
[02:18.97] Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact!)
[02:22.06] Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact!)
[02:24.84] Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact!)
[02:27.61] Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact!)
[02:31.07] Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact!)
[02:34.11] (Prolonged eye contact...)
[02:36.72] Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact!)
[02:40.04] Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact!)
[02:42.74] Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact!)
[02:45.92] Lick your lips to make it more comforting!
[02:48.46] Do you want to see a magic trick? (Yeah!)
[02:51.48] Do you want to see a magic trick? (Yeah!)
[02:54.34] Do you want to see a magic trick? (Yeah!)
[02:57.47] Then pick a card, any card-
[02:59.96] Psych!
[03:00.99] Magic isn't real, you idiot (Read a book!)
[03:03.82] Magic isn't real, you idiot (Read a book!)
[03:06.96] Magic isn't real, you idiot (Read a book!)
[03:09.77] Magic isn't real...
[03:11.15] Or is it?
[03:16.06] And at that moment
[03:18.20] Bo's 20-year old cynicism melted into child-like wonder
[03:24.37] He never knew their could be so much magic in the world
[03:29.44] It's a world of possibilities, Bo
[03:32.91] What do you want to do first?
[03:35.48] Run?
[03:36.16] Yeah, sure you can run
[03:38.43] Fly?
[03:39.51] Well, Yeah, you can fly
[03:42.75] Wha-
[03:43.91] What are you-
[03:44.97] What the fuck are you do-
[03:45.81] What the fuck are you doing?
[03:47.06] Stop, st-, stop it
[03:48.88] What the f-
[03:49.49] You fucking idiot
[03:50.87] Stop, stop, stop
[03:54.31] Anyways
[03:56.73] In the distance, Bo saw a beautiful fairy
[03:59.71] A fairy so beautiful
[04:01.11] That he felt proud about being called one in high school
[04:05.28] He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard
[04:09.60] Bo knew that he'd have to answer a riddle to get by
[04:12.85] The troll spoke thus
[04:16.46] "Alright, for the last time man"
[04:17.86] "I'm not a troll, I'm homeless"
[04:19.66] "Okay, do you have any spare change?"
[04:23.38] "Okay, that's a used napkin"
[04:25.02] "I don't want tha-"
[04:26.02] "No, no, stop, just-, you know what"
[04:27.84] "Leave, just leave, please leave..."
[04:32.38] And then...
[04:34.33] As Bo arrived on the other side of the stage
[04:37.71] He saw a unicorn, with five horns, right in front of him!
[04:42.43] And the penta-corn spoke thus
[04:46.93] "Hello Bo!"
[04:49.69] "I've been looking for you for quite a long ti-"
[04:51.54]
[05:07.57] He was safe, for now
[05:10.66] But the dark thoughts would soon return
[05:13.00]
[05:17.09] (It's Godzilla!)
[05:20.14] (No! No! No!)
[05:22.88] (No!)
[05:27.27] (Oh my god!)
[05:28.56] (Oh, my, god!)
[05:30.44] (Run! Run! Run!)
[05:34.76] (Fire!)
[05:40.34] (Ahhh!)
[05:42.11] It's so hard to be a lizard
[05:48.47] It's hard to be a lizard (What did we do God? What did we do!?) (He killed my wife!)
[05:54.18] Tiny arms, itchy gizzard (That monster killed my wife) (Why is he singing!?)
[06:00.22] It's hard to be a lizard (He's a monster!) (Oh my god...) (Why!?)
[06:08.19] But it's harder to segue!
[06:10.05] Is he skiing?
[06:11.22] Or is he in a gay porn?
[06:12.73] Is he skiing? (What?)
[06:14.22] Or is he in a gay porn?
[06:15.88] Is he skiing? (Huh?)
[06:17.20] Or is he in a gay porn?
[06:19.09] Here's a hint...
[06:20.60] He's in a gay porn!
[06:21.83] Okay Bo, this miming shit is getting pretty annoying
[06:26.04] So give them the real thing!
[06:28.38] My voice is so fucking natural!
[06:33.85] It's naturally good
[06:35.15] Naturally good!
[06:38.40] Naturally good!
[06:41.29] This is the end of the song
[06:42.93] And the beginning of the show
[06:45.09] Welcome to the show!
[06:47.52]
[07:01.36] That lizard part was pretty fucking stupid
[07:06.22] We're uh... Recording part of the CD tonight
[07:08.31] And yeah, good to start off with 8 minutes of mime jokes
[07:11.13] For the... CD
[07:14.70] I want to start off with a joke for my fellas
[07:16.68] I don't feel like I connect with my men in the audience
[07:18.55] As well as I do with my, prepubescent girls
[07:21.04] So, umm... Where my fellas at!? Fellas!?
[07:24.21] (Yeah!)
[07:26.65] Yo fellas, don't you hate it when you're sucking a guy's dick
[07:28.61] And he ends up being a faggot?
[07:29.99] Am I right?!
[07:31.27] These fucking faggots with their tasty dicks!
[07:33.69] Alright, umm...
[07:38.24] If you'd like to leave during the show
[07:39.88] The exit signs are marked clearly in red
[07:42.63] Sort of an orangish, redish, fiery red
[07:44.55] So we'll be fucked if we need them
[07:46.47] But we can see them now!
[07:54.02] Umm... This show is called "what."
[07:56.06] And I hope there's some surprises-
[07:57.45] Jeez, knocked the water over by accident
[08:00.94] He meant to knock the water over
[08:02.38] Yeah, yeah, yeah!
[08:03.45] But you all thought it was an accident
[08:05.69] But he meant to knock the water over
[08:07.52] Yeah, yeah, yeah
[08:08.75] Art is a lie
[08:09.99] Nothing is real!
[08:10.46] So it's called "What"
[08:11.73] And uh, it's about... hey, coo-
[08:13.93] He meant to knock the water over
[08:15.58] Yeah, yeah, yeah
[08:16.45] But you all thought it was an acc-
[08:18.16] Just... take it off repeat, and it won't repeat...
[08:21.07] This is the good thing, we can edit all this
[08:22.83] In the actual CD recor-
[08:24.41] He meant to play the track again
[08:25.51] Yeah, yeah, yeah!
[08:26.65] But you all thought it was an accident
[08:29.17] But he meant to play the water track a-
[08:31.03] Gain, gain, gain!
[08:32.23] Art's still a lie
[08:33.43] Nothing's still real!
[08:34.12] What's the deal with segue's?
[08:35.87] Uh, Food jokes!
[08:37.72] Let's do some food jokes...
[08:39.74] How you guys doing in the nosebleeds? Up-top?
[08:43.93] Yes, the nosebleeds
[08:45.58] Where the cocaine is done
[08:47.15] I had a hot dog for breakfast in Madison actually this morning
[08:52.79] And uhh... Yeah, afterwards I felt like this
[08:55.34] (Woah! Wo-woah!)
[08:58.30] Because I couldn't control my stools
[08:59.88] Alright, Jesus...
[09:06.49] For the people listening
[09:07.29] I moved the stool around a lot
[09:11.91] This is gonna get difficult
[09:14.83] But I'm glad you like poop-based puns
[09:16.58] They'll be a majority of the show
[09:20.07] (Never waste a moment!)
[09:21.76] (Every moment can become a comedy moment!)
[09:24.22] See! Uhh... thank you so much... I-umm...
[09:27.85]