Andy the Frog

[00:04.45] Walking between the microphones
[00:07.85] Is really awkward
[00:09.19] Tell me about it!
[00:11.40] Women are stupid!
[00:12.80]
[00:17.96] ... Shut up!
[00:19.74] You know it, I know it
[00:20.72] That they're the weaker, dumber sex
[00:22.64] I can prove it to you
[00:24.07] I like to practice safe sex, why?
[00:25.85] Because I'm a guy, and I'm smarter, obviously
[00:28.66] What do women say, with their small brains, every time I put on a condom?
[00:31.30] What do they say, every time?
[00:32.97] "Why are you wearing a condom when I'm fucking you with a strap on?"
[00:35.70] "To be safe, bitch!"
[00:37.20] Right?
[00:38.06] They're the- they're the stupid ones
[00:40.12]
[00:45.98] I think it's time for a story, let's do a story
[00:48.37] It's time for a story, it's time for a story
[00:51.73] A very special story especially for you
[00:54.82] It's time for a story, it's time for a story!
[00:58.37] Sit down and listen, now don't be a Jew!
[01:01.17] This story is... um...
[01:02.74] It was a glitch, you can be Jewish
[01:05.17] This story... is called "Andy the Frog"
[01:08.22] Featuring long and convoluted similes
[01:10.46] Now I'll warn you when one of those long
[01:12.09] And convoluted similes rears its old figurative head
[01:15.37] So, here we go!
[01:16.35] Once upon a time, there was a frog named Andy
[01:19.53] Andy lived at the Patten Park Pond
[01:21.55] And had never hopped anywhere else his entire frog life
[01:24.30] He had three best friends
[01:25.98] Millie, who never left her lily pad
[01:28.35] Billie, who was always hopping mad
[01:31.19] And Roger, who was arrested for possession of tadpole porn
[01:34.83] So one day, one day...
[01:37.39] Andy saw something hop across the grass on the other side of the pond!
[01:39.91] "Millie, Billie, Roger, look!" said Andy
[01:42.57] Across the pond stood the most beautiful frog that Andy had ever seen
[01:46.75] "She's gorgeous!" said Millie
[01:48.56] "She's beautiful!" said Billie
[01:50.83] "Bit old for my taste!" said Roger, classic Roger
[01:57.15] And then she was gone
[01:58.14] "I need to go find her," said Andy
[01:59.52] "I need to follow my little frog heart"
[02:01.25] So Andy followed the beautiful frogs footsteps into the forest
[02:04.30] He then came across a turtle
[02:06.10] "You can't pass!", said the turtle
[02:08.51] "Please?", said Andy
[02:10.32] "No!", said the turtle
[02:11.83] (And uh, this is the first long, convoluted simile)
[02:14.09] Then, there was a rustling in the bushes
[02:16.29] And like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle
[02:19.88] The turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle
[02:21.93]
[02:27.85] Andy kept moving, but at this point
[02:29.90] Like the doctor of a Kenyan track team, his patience ran thin
[02:34.93] Andy kept moving
[02:39.04] He then came across a giant crocodile
[02:41.06] And the crocodile began to chant
[02:42.29] "I woke up this morning and I sat on a log
[02:44.68] I opened up the menu and the menu said frog!"
[02:47.51] Andy said, "No! No! Please let go of me
[02:50.09] I can feel myself dying, you're ripping up my insides!
[02:51.86] I'm never gonna find her am I?!
[02:53.05] There's no god is there!
[02:54.20] Is there?!
[02:54.79] Fuck?!
[02:55.44] Fuck!"
[02:56.41] The end
[02:57.76] Alright
[02:58.69] Umm...
[02:59.68] Yeah
[03:00.79] You connected with it
[03:02.84] If you're curious the moral of that story is irrelevant
[03:05.71] Because we're humans, and it was about a-
[03:07.02] Why would it apply to us?
[03:10.09]