Virgil And The Moonshot

Well, old Virgil always was a clown,
Dumbest man in our hometown
But somehow, he got hired out at the NASA base
Then one day, against all the rules
While cleanin' up a space capsule
He closed the hatch and started playing 'man in space'

He put a space suit on and sat right down
Started flippin' switches and messin' around
A siren started blastin' and a green light was flashin' READY
Hoses were snappin' and gas was going whoosh
And Virgil just had to give that button a push
And son-of-a-gun, he was gone like Richard Petty!

Oooh... Mamaaaaa...!!

Hello, Houston, we got a problem
Get Gladys on the phone
Somebody tell her where I'm at
And how long I'll be gone
Remind her she needs to feed my dogs
Milk the cow and slop them hogs
Hello, Houston, we got a problem
How y'all gonna git' me back home? Huh?

Well, we saw it right there on TV
My wife, my kids, the dog and me
On a broadcast from outer space on the evening news
Oh, Virgil wasn't havin' any fun
He'd run down the batteries on his Star Wars gun
And was turning green in various shades and hues

He said, "Boys you better get me down quick
'Cause I'm afraid I'm gonna be sick
And I don't think that I can take much more of this
Lord, all I do is float around
Half the time I think I'm upside down, ya know
I need to throw up but I don't know where up is!"

Hello, Redneck One, Redneck One, this is mission control
Stand by, Virgil, we're about to execute your re-entry...

"Execute me? Lord have mercy!
Couldn't you just dock me a couple of days' pay?
Ohh, here we go again...!"

Hello, Houston, we got a problem
I think we got a flat tire
Yeah, I just looked out that little round window
And the whole capsule's a-fire!
Everything's shakin' and burnin' hot
If you're gonna execute me, I'd just as soon be shot!
Hello, Houston we got a problem
I'm droppin' like a fallin' star...

Well, give NASA credit, they got him back
And of course, he was immediately sacked
And we were all amazed at the fame Virgil's ride had brought
But ole Virgil knew just how to work it
'Cause next thing you know he's on the talk show circuit
Billin' himself as "The Redneck Astronaut"

Hello, Oprah, we got a problem
Montel's on the other phone
Yeah, he wants to book me, too
Now, I'm sure that we can work it out in time
Just have your people talk to mine
Hello, Oprah, I gotta go now
Sixty Minutes is on the phone

Hey, Sixty Minutes, yeah! Aw, I'd love to,
but you know I gotta' have that first segment - and Mike Wallace has
gotta host it! Uh-huh, well OK. Fine then. We'll give it to Dateline.
Uh-huh, what's that? Aww, well that's more like it! Yeah,
well I kinda thought you'd see it my way. I mean after all,
it does make sense don't it? Space suit? Yeah, I got a space suit.
Well, it's not a real space suit,
but you can't tell the difference from three feet away.
Gladys made it fer me. Yeah,
she's got one of them sewin'
machines that does all that fancy stuff...